6 months later

and we spoke.

randomly.

after i wrote my previous blog.

I couldn't make this stuff up.

But now that i know he wants me...do i want him?

He is the same person i remember.

But maybe that's the things. We were young, we still are young.

I don't want to know if this will work or not. I have patience and trust now, i don't need to know those answers just yet, i can wait.

I want to know not can this work, but should this work. Should him and I be together? Are we really as well matched as i believed?

Well...We're startinging this all over again, arn't we? Completely from the beginging, and only time will tell...

And oh...what about the other guy? The one i had used to try to make me forget the one i loved? Well, I learned very quickly on that that would never work. But I'm glad we happened. I learned a lot about myself from that experince, a lot about what i want in a relationship, what i want in a man, and the person i want to be while in a relationship.

All in all, despite the few remaining nagging questions, i am happy where i am at in my life. I've got a long way to go, but I'm still learning. I'll keep you updated :)

UPDATE:

What my best friend said to me on the subject-

you just said yourself that you love him. as long as you know that truth (don't even really have t ofeel it, although you will) as long as you KNOW that you don't have to so much "care" like emotions and such are transient as are thoughts. but love is a choice that influences everything else. if you've chosen to love him everything will be the way it's supposed to according to God's plan

Everything is Going to be Alright

For the first time in six months, he smile at me.
I died.

I fall in love with him all over again, although...stupid me...I SHOULDN'T!
I mean, what is he thinking, feeling?

Why did he just...walk away? Why didn't he fight for me? Why is he talking to me? Is he over me? Does he only want to be friends? Or is there something more? Does he still love me?

...Because, let's be honest. He is the only person i think i will ever love. I know I am young. Oh my God, I am nineteen. But I know i love him.

And here he is. Maybe for a moment. I mean, he leaves this summer...again. And then it's what...another year until he may have to leave to be a pastor in another town.

Yeah, I fell in love with a kid who wants to be a pastor. ME!!! HIM!!!! If anyone knows us.... well, I doubt that this is how they'd picture either one of us, especially him, now. But i don't care. I know he'll be the best. no doubt.

I want him. I want him because i love the way he smiles, and laughs. Nothing is sexier than him playing saxophone. He is intelligent, he always approaches problems from a unique perspective. He loves children, and is so wonderful around them. He's such a geek to. I am in love with a geek...me?!?! haha. But i love him for it. And I love him for more reasons that i can put in words, because so much about him is unique to him, just his personality. I have yet to meet anyone like him, and i doubt i ever will.

He is who i want to o to sleep with at night and wake up with in the morning. He is who i want to support and help in all he does. I want to cheer him up when he is down, laugh at his jokes, and be there when all he needs is someone. I want to help him, encourage him to be the best he can be, because trust me, there is A LOT that boy will be :) I want to be the one who has his kids. who fights with him about the dumbest things. He makes up with him when we realize just how dumb we are. He is all i want.



Does he still want me? Could he ever want me again?

Everything will be alright. No matter how this ends, it will be. I just can't see how now.

zombie days

I am so damned tired. Keep running, running, running from myself, from the problem, only to be confronted with it again. It's unavoidable.
I feel fully. I can never only partially feel a single emotion, and i only feel one emotion at one time. But that fervancy gets tiring. I'm done. Don't care.
I love him, but that's unavoidable. But i don't have to feel it to the degree i do. I am now in perpetual sleep. I can be roused, I'm not dead, but the zombie like motions have the majority of control.
I am tired of loving you.
I want to love you as you love me...not at all.

The Realization Came

Today, for the first time, I have finally allowed myself to come to the full realization that nothing will happen again with him. And for the first time in several months, I am okay with this.

I deserve someone who will fight for me, appreciate me, realize all that i have done for him. He won't. He is still a boy and I need a man. Maybe one day he'll grow up and learn his lesson, I hope he does. I hope he find a good woman. I wish him all the best, he is an incredible person, and if he ever gets the balls to reach his full potential, then he will be so incredible.

Now, I was not completely blameless in this relationship either. His wishy-washy-ness created in me this uneasiness, and instead of being confident in myself as i always had been, I began to doubt. I began to get desperate. It was not an attractive time in my life.

So what has brought about this change in me? Him. He is incredible. He is a gentleman, doesn't date around, respects women, doesn't have any debt, is 23, and is a hot fireman to boot. Yeah, could life get any better? I think not.

And, it's not as if I get my identity in some guy, that's not the case at all. I mean, I don't even know if anything will happen with him. But i do realize he is the type of guy I want. I realized he is the type of man i want. He has opened my eyes, helped me toss away my cynicism. No, i probably won't end up with him. I just doubt it, but i do know there are good guys out there, and that gives me hope.

Besides, none of this relationship stuff really matter right now. I mean, it's nice to have someone to hold you, to love you, who you can share the world with, but I've never been one to date around and i don't intend to start now. I am content being single for now, having fun with my friends, figuring myself and life out. That's really about all I can handle right now anyways.

The Begining

Well, I have started this because i used to journal, but after this summer and the events that transpired it became too painful. When i put them on paper, it became permanent. Blogging however, feels "safe." I feel as if this is just a conversation, it's not as binding as ink on paper.

It's not really a conversation though is it? I mean, I don't min hearing people's responses to what i say, i just don't think I'll get very many, or any at all. I can't tell my friends about this, i need a place of anonymity. But if you happen to stumble across this, welcome. This is just the thoughts and letters, really, of a nearly 19 year old girl.