The Realization Came

Today, for the first time, I have finally allowed myself to come to the full realization that nothing will happen again with him. And for the first time in several months, I am okay with this.

I deserve someone who will fight for me, appreciate me, realize all that i have done for him. He won't. He is still a boy and I need a man. Maybe one day he'll grow up and learn his lesson, I hope he does. I hope he find a good woman. I wish him all the best, he is an incredible person, and if he ever gets the balls to reach his full potential, then he will be so incredible.

Now, I was not completely blameless in this relationship either. His wishy-washy-ness created in me this uneasiness, and instead of being confident in myself as i always had been, I began to doubt. I began to get desperate. It was not an attractive time in my life.

So what has brought about this change in me? Him. He is incredible. He is a gentleman, doesn't date around, respects women, doesn't have any debt, is 23, and is a hot fireman to boot. Yeah, could life get any better? I think not.

And, it's not as if I get my identity in some guy, that's not the case at all. I mean, I don't even know if anything will happen with him. But i do realize he is the type of guy I want. I realized he is the type of man i want. He has opened my eyes, helped me toss away my cynicism. No, i probably won't end up with him. I just doubt it, but i do know there are good guys out there, and that gives me hope.

Besides, none of this relationship stuff really matter right now. I mean, it's nice to have someone to hold you, to love you, who you can share the world with, but I've never been one to date around and i don't intend to start now. I am content being single for now, having fun with my friends, figuring myself and life out. That's really about all I can handle right now anyways.

The Begining

Well, I have started this because i used to journal, but after this summer and the events that transpired it became too painful. When i put them on paper, it became permanent. Blogging however, feels "safe." I feel as if this is just a conversation, it's not as binding as ink on paper.

It's not really a conversation though is it? I mean, I don't min hearing people's responses to what i say, i just don't think I'll get very many, or any at all. I can't tell my friends about this, i need a place of anonymity. But if you happen to stumble across this, welcome. This is just the thoughts and letters, really, of a nearly 19 year old girl.